Category: Reflections

I love the start of a new year and in this case, a new decade. The blank slate, starting fresh – the journey and adventure ahead. Simultaneously, I dread the inevitable setbacks and failures – all the things we say we’ll do and never quite get there. It feels dichotomous almost duplicitous.

Ultimately optimism wins the day and so I start the year and decade with a post that is step one or committing to writing something every day.

The last 10 years was marked by significant events. I welcomed a child at the beginning of the decade, lost a parent in the middle and built and sold a business, ultimately reinventing myself as an entrepreneur in corporate executive clothing. I couldn’t have imagined how my life would change from then to now and can’t imagine how it will continue to change.

No matter how you feel there is one way. Only forward. I can’t wait to see what’s to come.

It’s that time of year in my world. Nearing the fiscal year end, we are in the throes of performance reviews and setting goals for 2020. I’ve always found this time of year to be both stressful and invigorating. Similar to New Years Resolutions, it a time to reflect on the things we did and didn’t do, accomplishments and failures, things we did well and could have done better.

It’s also a time to set new goals for ourselves. I’ve always had a love hate relationship with goals. They’re important to understand where you’re going, but can also be futile if you work in an ever changing environment. Looking back, more often than not, what we started the year with looked nothing like how the year ended.

In the start up world – if you’re a founder or leader, unless you have tremendous discipline, you are riding the wave of everyday chaos and rarely have the time to reflect – for better or worse.

All said, I believe in goals although I tend to set out with too many. This is where models like Big Rocks come in handy. We also know about OKRs (Objectives, Key Results) and SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time bound) goals. The latter – SMART goals – can devolve pretty quickly to a meaningless task list.

So how do you actually create ambitious meaningful goals? Start at the end. Imagine yourself at the end of this year. What did you do that your proud of? Start there and use the SMART method to articulate the steps to follow.

In all of this remember – don’t let the attainable get in the way of the ambitious.

I set out with this blog to write every day which is difficult to do in the course of life – between working at a start up, family and the multitude of other priorities. How does one create habits that last? I’ve written about this before and clearly haven’t cracked the code. But here I am, after a nearly 3 week hiatus. Picking up the proverbial pen to start again – the first step on the journey of a thousand miles. Maybe that’s just it – keep trying until you get it right.

There will be times when things seemingly go sideways. When they were right side up and then suddenly upside down.  You need to build the capacity to filter through the bullshit to see what’s really there. Consider:

• The person who derailed – what’s their perspective and motivation for derailment?
• The context – what else is going on that would cause this issue to occur?
• The outcome – what do you actually want to have happen? Could this derailment be a blessing in disguise?
• Why you’re upset – if the derailment is a new perspective or new information, embrace it. You don’t need to be right!

In the end, when things seemingly go awry,  while you’re thrown off balance, the detour may take you down a better path – or not. Take detours as learning opportunities – don’t fight the ride – enjoy it – knowing in the end, we will have gained far more experience having gone through it.

Tonight I moderated a panel of senior executives who both come from and live in the comfort of diversity. Two of the panelists were immigrants to Canada and one had spent over 5 years in Asia and we were speaking to an audience of 500 middle and senior managers and directors about leadership and being bold.  After a lively discussion on diversity – physical, cultural,  mental –  I asked the panelist for a piece of advice the would give based on their personal journey:

1. Be empathetic.  Having gone through taunting and feeling out of place as the only Asian family in a small town, this leader fundamentally understood what it meant to be visibly and culturally different. This experience left such an impression that it drives his empathy when interacting with his teams.
2. Be authentic.  The world around you doesn’t always agree with who you may be, but don’t conform if it’s not who you are. Adaptation is critical, but not in the service of being untrue to who you are.
3. Be courageous. If you’re offered the opportunity to try something new – if you’ve never done it before or know little about it (like go to Asia) – don’t let it stop you if it’s something you want to do. Don’t let fear keep you from experiencing the amazing things offered to you.

I had a wonderful time moderating this impressive group of leaders. We learn so much from meeting new people.  Keep putting yourself there and saying yes to the things that come your way.

The worse kind of feedback is the blank stare. You know what I’m talking about. When you ask someone a question and they simply have no reaction. The stare could mean many so things:

• “My stare is cultural – don’t judge”
• “What do you mean, I don’t understand”
• “Your crazy but I don’t want to offend you”
• “I know what you’re saying, but have no response”
• “I understand and fundamentally disagree”
• “I  will let you keep talking so you can expose your cards”
• “I’m awestruck by who and what you are” – rare, but I’m sure it’s happened 🙂

Whatever the reason (aside from the first), just say the words.  Blank stares are a non-response that add no value to a conversation.

I continue to stand on my saying vs. doing soapbox. There’s another way to look at this and it’s from the perspective of leverage. At work or at home, if you are doing everything you’re saying, you may be doing too much. Learning how to tell others what you need done is a tough skill to learn for “doers”.

I’m a doer – I always have been. It’s been difficult to learn the art of delegation and I still don’t have it down yet. I . have a laundry list of things both at work and home that are on my “say-do” list. But I know that list will only get larger and my scope stalled if I don’t make it into a “say-tell-do” list. The key to this is not just having additional brains and bodies in the “do” column, but increasing the ability to operate in the “tell” column.

In my journey to better delegate, I’ve learned that, depending on the ability of the “doer”, you need to be very specific with what you’re looking for, but also conscious of your role in developing “doers” into “thinkers” so they can eventually “say-tell-do” themselves. Part teacher / part leader / part boss – delegating well is an art. It requires simultaneously defining the outcomes, articulating instruction and creating the right coaching environment so the person “doing” not only understands, but also feels good about delivering. This takes a tremendous amount of patience and skill. I’m still learning the art of “say-tell-do”. Curious about others’ experiences in delegation.

I wrote a couple days ago about committing to doing the things you say you’re going to do – whether it be to yourself, co-workers, family or friends. I’ve found the most difficult commitments to keep are the we make to ourselves because there is no other person that holds us accountable. We rely on the strength of our own will, the habits we’ve formed and the mental strength to follow through. I backslid this week-end on a couple of self commitments and have had to go through a process…

• Embrace the backslide. What was it? A fabulous night out with friends? Connecting with other human beings? Was it a terrible week that drove you to the comfort of your vice(s)? Whatever it was embrace that thing and acknowledge that it happened.
• You will fall off the wagon and backslide. Maybe on this journey to self commitment, we have to acknowledge that we will succumb from time to time to the thing we’re trying a) to do or b) not to do. In the end, it’s the decision we make after we backslide that will be the true test of our character.
• Hit restart. No matter how shitty you feel the next day, you have to hit restart as soon as you can. If not, you will send yourself into a major negative spiral which will be even more difficult to pull yourself out of.

What are your commitments? Own them, but also cut yourself some slack when you slip up occasionally. The hope is that you recognize the slip up and deal with it so the likelihood of a future slip up, while always present, lessens over time.

 

 

 

 

Something I learned this past week is the idea of editing what you say, write and, to a certain degree, believe.  My coach calls it backspacing – the notion that you are editing yourself when you should let your thoughts free flow. We all do this – we write, delete, write more, backspace more. This is because our ego wants to be right – the first time. I do it when I’m writing these posts. Instead of just free flowing and letting the words come to the page naturally, I edit as a I write. The thing is – writing (or creating anything) is a fundamentally different skill than editing.

Creating – whether in written, spoken or visual language, requires the building up of a thing, a story , a piece of art, an argument. Editing on the other hand is about refinement. The problem is if you edit while you create – the act of backspacing yourself – you may lose out on how far you push your creativity. So – if you’re trying to make something, don’t backspace too early. You could be missing out on the potential of the very thing you’re trying to create.

 

We go through our lives saying yes to a lot of things and making commitments we don’t keep. This does two things – it 1/ erodes confidence in ourselves and 2/ diminishes trust with those we’ve made the commitments to. On the flip side, when we deliver on what we say we’re going to, the effects are quite the opposite. Delivering sends us into positivity and build our reputation with ourselves, friends, families and co-workers.

There is an entire movement behind keeping your word – https://becauseisaidiwould.org/.

So don’t just say you’ll do it – deliver.